Choosing Between a Rock and a Hard Place: How Anti-LGBTQ Laws Hurt Military Families
By Anonymous
[Full magazine at Modern Military Magazine]
“What about Virginia?” my child asked last summer as we clicked through various shades of purple on the interactive map. “Is Virginia safe for me?”
I paused and took what I hoped would be a steadying breath. As a military family of almost 20 years, we’ve become accustomed to the rhythm of researching and preparing for a new duty assignment every two or three years. Usually, we pour over lists of popular tourist attractions in the area, browse homes on Zillow, dissect school ratings, and locate the nearest Target (ask any military spouse: the true measure of a desirable military installation is its proximity to a Target). But this time, as we contemplate our seventh move, none of these things seem important. This time is different. This time, we are considering if and where our transgender child can receive health care, where they can play sports, and where they won’t be afraid to use the bathroom. This time, we are staring at the ACLU’s interactive map of anti-LGBTQ+ legislation and facing a heartbreaking decision: protect our nation or protect our child.
Politics Come Home
Red pen at the ready, my kiddo has already crossed off a dozen states. Texas? With more active-duty military service members than any other state, Texas offers several solid career options for my spouse. Alas, we are not keen to be investigated for child abuse under Gov. Greg Abbot’s 2022 executive directive, so Texas is off the table. My youngest child, a hardcore Disney family vacation lobbyist, suggests Florida. While access to theme parks and sandy beaches is tempting, access to evidence-based health care and safe bathrooms is more tempting, so Florida will have to wait.
Perhaps I was naive to think that military families could carry on as mere sideline spectators in this game of political football. After all, I’m a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom and have become accustomed to a “thank you for your service” America, enjoying $0 down home loans, discounts on everything from couches to cars to Crocs, and free meals at my franchise of choice on Veteran’s Day. We’ve embraced the military lifestyle and remained resilient through the highs and lows, as military families are famously known to do. We’ve moved eight times in 19 years, making us a pretty average military family. We also happen to have a transgender child.
Anti-LGBTQ Laws are a Readiness and Retention Issue
Even last year, as anti-trans legislation swept the nation state-by-state, I wanted to believe that lawmakers simply didn’t consider the second and third-order effects on universally important issues like military readiness and national security. But July’s proposed National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) amendments, directly targeting LGBTQ+ military members and families, signal that the “thank you for your service” era has ended. Our military families – including an estimated 50,000 LGBTQ+ military youth – are now the latest pawns in a game that will have no winner.
“While LGBTQ+ service members and their families are supported by advocacy organizations like the Modern Military Association of America, these efforts cannot quell the rising anti-LGBTQ+ legislation that threatens service members’ and their families’ healthcare and safety.”
Military leaders have known for years that retaining the family is just as necessary as retaining the service member, with the Department of Defense identifying quality of life issues such as spouse employment, affordable housing, and access to child care among the top reasons service members exit the service. Since the uptick in anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, service members have another reason to consider leaving: the health and well-being of their family members. At a time when all branches of the military are struggling to recruit qualified candidates with a propensity to join, it is counterproductive to alienate tens of thousands of service members and families who are willing and able to serve honorably in today’s all-volunteer force. The Army alone fell short of its active-duty recruiting goal by 15,000 in 2022. Other branches face similar challenges, yet politicians continue to propose and pass laws that drive away military families like mine while disincentivizing service for the next generation of recruits, 21% of whom identify as LGBTQ+.
Is Anybody Listening?
My spouse and I raised our right hands and pledged to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. It’s not easy, and every new deployment, extended training mission, and cross-country move tests our resolve as our children age. But the military has been good to us – we love the people we’ve met, the places we’ve traveled, the lessons we’ve learned. My husband isn’t ready to retire. My family isn’t ready to walk away. Yet some in Congress, who themselves took the same oath to protect and uphold the Constitution, continue to introduce discriminatory amendments to the NDAA each year that, if passed, leave us unwelcome in today’s military.
As a veteran, a military spouse, and a mom, I don’t know how to answer my child’s question. Perhaps the question isn’t meant for me at all. Twenty years ago, I answered America’s call to serve. So did my spouse. And so did our children. Now, when we ask the nation’s leaders if it’s still safe for us to serve –how will they answer?
– Anonymous Author
